Note: This was originally published on July 2, 2011. Since then, I have watched even more horror movies. This is being reposted as an updated list, with 18 new movies added. Yes. This blog post now covers 38 films. I watch that many horror movies.
I watch a whole lot of horror movies. A whole lot. And scary films can teach us important lessons. Here's some influential things learned from both the awesome and the terrible ones. I warn you, these do contain spoilers, so you might just want to skip over the movies you haven't seen. Unless you don't care, in which case, read on!

Shutter (2004 -original Thai- and 2008 -American remake-)
1. If you allowed your best friends to rape your crazy girlfriend while you took pictures, and feel no remorse whatsoever, because it was "in the past", you deserve the worst.
2. Saying you weren't planning on raping her, originally you were just going to drug her, take suggestive photos, then blackmail her with them, isn't really reassuring and does not make it any better.

The Ring (1998 -original Japanese- and 2002 -American remake-)
1. If a girl dies in a really odd way, and you hear that she died after watching a terrifying videotape, DON'T WATCH THE TAPE.
2. And don't leave it lying around so your five year old son can watch it.
3. Adopted children are evil.

The Ring 2 (1999 -original Japanese- and 2005 -American remake-)
1. Sequels suck.
2. If you're in a horror movie, moving to a new city to "start over" isn't going to solve your problems.
3. When your child starts calling you "mommy" and saying "I love you", when he usually calls you by your first name and never smiles, it means he's possessed.

Orphan (2009)
1. See lesson #3 of The Ring. As you can see, this is a recurring theme.
2. Adorable three year-old deaf girls will always end up okay in the end.
3. It's easy for forty year old midgets to disguise themselves as ten year old girls.

The Shining (1980)
1. Cabin fever has terrible, terrible side effects.
2. Imaginary friends often know best.
3. Jack Nicholson is always creepy. No matter what.

Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? (1962)
1. Bette Davis is a better actress than you will ever be.
2. Canceling your psychopathic sister's liquor store orders is not going to solve your problems when she already kills your pets (and tries to feed them to you) and keeps you solitary in your room when you can't walk.

Home Movie (2008)
1. If your ten year old children just crucified the cat and terrorized a school child, leaving them home alone together with no supervisor is not at all a good idea.
2. It doesn't matter how many "no parents allowed" signs they have on their clubhouse. When your kids start showing slasher tendencies, LOOK IN THE CLUBHOUSE ANYWAY.
3. Do not invite the child your children terrorized over for a playdate, even if your children are beginning to seem normal again.

It (1990)
1. If you have seen Rocky Horror and make the connection that Tim Curry (who played Frankenfurter) plays Pennywise in this movie, it is physically impossible for this film to scare you.
2. A childlike imagination can save you from a monster you half-invented as a child.

The Omen (1976)
1. See lesson #3 of The Ring. And Orphan.
2. Always listen to priests, otherwise you will probably die.
3. Don't try kill your son when police are already on your tail because you were speeding.

Rosemary's Baby (1968)
1. If your landlord-to-be warns you that your apartment used to house satanists and cannibalistic killers, don't move in.
2. If you wake up with scratches and marks all over your body and your husband tells you he had sex with you WHILE YOU SLEPT, don't immediately forgive him once you find out he got you pregnant.
3. Ignore your husband. If you are having obviously unnatural pains and depression/anxiety, go to a new doctor, not the one your quirky neighbors (who often talk to your husband in private and who he seems to value over you) suggest.

Poltergeist (1982)
1. When your son gets attacked by a tree, no matter what you think the reason is, check to make sure your other kid is okay too.
2. Ectoplasm looks oddly similar to red jello.
3. Don't build houses on top of graveyards.

Session 9 (2001)
1. Don't try to steal coins from a morgue in an abandoned insane asylum.
2. Don't explore abandoned insane asylum basements late at night.
3. Don't listen to the voices you hear in the abandoned insane asylum.

The Exorcist (1973)
1. When strange things start happening, and you know your daughter's been using a Ouija board, take action before things get worse. Because they will.
2. When your daughter is speaking in a demonic voice and has a levitating bed (which you have seen levitate), taking her to see a doctor probably won't fix the problem.
3. If you make a movie where a twelve year old girl does unpleasant things to her nether regions with a crucifix, that is going to be the main thing people remember about the film.

Freaks (1932)
1. Never trust the pretty blonde girl.
2. Even if they look a little different, disabled people are much nicer than fully able ones.
3. When they say "ONE OF US", don't piss them off, or they will make that statement true.

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
1. The first to have sex are the first to die.
2. If you are a parent, do not take the law into your own hands if there is any possibility your children could be murdered because of it.

Psycho (1960)
1. If you rob a bank, you're probably going to get murdered because of something completely unrelated.
2. Violin music suggests incoming danger.
3. If a guy says his MOTHER went insane after his father's death, you should start questioning the son's sanity.

The Sixth Sense (1999)
1. Always be suspicious when you're shot, then everything seems fine.
2. Ghosts don't always want to hurt you.

The Unborn (2009)
1. Don't video chat when you feel unsafe. When you're attacked, you'll also traumatize whoever you're chatting with.
2. If your twin brother died in the womb, you will be haunted even though you had nothing whatsoever to do with it, and honestly the whole situation is unfair.
3. If no priests are available, a rabbi will also solve your haunting problems.

The Haunting in Connecticut (2009)
1. Don't move into a building that used to be a mortuary.
2. Ghosts don't care if you have cancer, they will haunt you anyway.
3. Do not hide in a dumb waiter.

La Cité des Enfants Perdus (1995) (French)
1. Santa can be really scary if there are hundreds of him interrupting your dreams.
2. If you see a man with a music box, for the love of god, run away.
3. Conjoined twins are evil.
4. Just don't go outside ever. And don't be an orphan.

Gothika (2003)
1. Crazy people are actually right about everything. You people on the outside just don't understand.
2. Never trust anyone ever. Especially people who are supposed to help you.
3. Putting expensive movie stars in horror movies destroys the natural order of things.

The Ward (2010)
1. If you've already seen Shutter Island, there's no point in seeing this movie.
2. If you see anybody else while you're in a mental hospital, it's probably all in your head. Because you being the only patient at a huge asylum is far more likely than you, you know, having friends.

The Dentist (1996)
1. Even in the mid-nineties, the spirit of the eighties can still still exist.
2. Dentists are really, really scary.
3. If your wife is cheating, the obvious thing to do is cut out her tongue and leave it for the pool boy to find.
4. Dentist tools can be used in horrifying ways.
5. Even in a low-budget film, creativity can be used to create the most upsettingly graphic gore that will make every part of you hurt.

Psycho Ward (2007)
1. The nerdy quiet girl knows best, the jock doesn't.
2. It is best to stick together. Until it isn't. Then you should split up.
3. Don't try and play practical jokes in abandoned mental hospitals.
4. Listen to your teacher, even if he's boring and full of himself.
5. For some reason that is unnecessary to explain, if you randomly come across a serial killer's place of worship, it makes the most sense to destroy it.

Rear Window (1954)
1. Every woman has a favorite handbag, and a woman never leaves her favorite handbag behind. If it's left at home, she's most likely dead.
2. If you are in a wheelchair and own a camera with an extended lens, make sure to carry it in your lap, so it looks as much like a phallus as possible.
3. Spending weeks doing nothing but invading the privacy of your neighbors through their windows is totally acceptable if you end up solving a murder in the end.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose (2005)
1. It's okay if a girl dies, as long as she was possessed by the devil.
2. Going to college and leaving home will ruin your life and invite demons into your soul.

The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
1. If you are a man who wants to be a woman, the most logical way to do this is to kill young women and make a woman-suit out of their skin to act out your fantasies.
2. Psychopaths are the best people to help you in a murder case.
3. Looking up the real-life connections to this movie will leave you very upset and disturbed.

Red Dragon (2002)
1. A speech impediment mixed with a history of child abuse can cause a man to murder.
2. A girl with a good heart and bad vision can bring out the best in any serial killer.
3. If your host won't tell you what's in your meal, it's probably human.
4. Don't trust the guy who makes your home videos.

Peur(s) du Noir (2007) (French)
1. If you find and catch a small unidentifiable bug as a child, and it escapes, don't just ignore and forget about it.
2. Clingy girlfriends are scary, and probably have praying-mantis-like creatures living inside and controlling them.
3. Don't live next to a graveyard holding the grave of a vengeful samurai forced to kill himself.
4. If you find a house in the middle of the night that is dark, yet fully furnished, with fresh drinks inside, it is probably not abandoned.

Jeepers Creepers (2001)
1. Justin Long is the poor man's Keanu Reeves.
2. Always listen to seemingly crazy old ladies who sing terrible hits from the late '30s to warn you of coming danger.
3. Ancient demons look oddly like comic book monsters that have been badly brought to life on a low budget.

Resident Evil (2002)
1. The zombie apocalypse is very much like a video game.
2. Lasers will ruin everything, always.
3. Scientists secretly have the technology to create a syrum that reanimates dead bodies.

Joshua (2007)
1. A new baby in the family can cause your first child to murder.
2. If your child really loves his uncle, let him go live with him before he takes things into his own hands. By which I mean, starts killing people.
3. Kids who play piano well at a young age are most likely sociopaths.
Children of the Corn (1984)
1. Communism + Satanism + Unattended children = Terror.
2. Beware of the new kid in town. He may convince your children to murder you.
3. Just don't go near cornfields. Or Nebraska in general.

Candyman (1992)
1. See lesson #1 of The Dentist.
2. Demons lurk in the ghettos of the city. The gangs worship them. That's what's wrong with lower-class America. Not lack of jobs.
3. Grad students are always too curious, and getting themselves into dangerous situations.

White Zombie (1932)
1. Bela Lugosi's eyes will follow you wherever you go. In fact, they will even float behind your stagecoach.
2. Turning girls into zombies is the way to get in their pants.
3. Don't trust anyone named "Murder Legendre".

Sleepy Hollow (1999)
1. The stepmother is always the driving force of evil.
2. It makes sense to promise your soul to the devil, as long as you still get to avenge your family.

After.Life (2009)
1. If you're fully conscious, and have all five senses completely active, you're most likely not dead.
2. Every girl in trouble needs a strong boyfriend to help set her free.
3. Men who work in funeral homes are sketchy bastards.

1408 (2007)
1. Skype, Facetime, and other webcam communication systems can turn evil when ghosts are around.
2. Don't stay in a hotel room if the room number adds up to 13.
3. If you are given significant warning not to stay in a specific room, don't stay there.